Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Do Our Words Speak Life To Our Children?

At the end of the day during his first week of kindergarten, Little Bit threw his arms around my thighs, burying his face in my belly. Through twinkling eyes and a beaming smile, he said, “I have a surprise for you!”

He made me close my eyes, took me by the hand, and led me down the hallway into our bedroom. When he had me perfectly positioned, he told me to open my eyes.

At first, I wasn’t sure what I was looking for, but then I found it, in all its glory. A hand-written note from his teacher, praising him for a job well done, taped right above our bed on the wall. He had shown love to one of his classmates, and his teacher wanted us to know about it.

I reinforced his excitement by praising this character quality he had demonstrated at school, hugged his neck, and didn’t think more about it.

But I began to see a pattern.

Every time his teacher sent a note home telling us something she had seen in his heart, he would tape it to the wall above our bed. Over time, it became known as Little Bit’s “Wall of Fame.” It’s now decorated with streamers and has spilled over to other parts of our room. We all have a love language, and the evidence points to the fact that Little Bit’s love language may be words of affirmation!

Regardless of our love language, however, speaking words of encouragement and life rather than words of condemnation and death is a more fruitful way to communicate.  After all, scripture is chock full of instruction in this regard:
1 Thessalonians 5:11

“Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.”

Ephesians 4:29
“Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.”
Proverbs 12:25

“Anxiety in a man’s heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad."

This isn’t to say we should never offer reproof, but I think we’re wise to consider what characterizes us:
Are we characterized by speaking life or death?

Last week, I wrote about using the extra margin that summer provides to work on things as a family we don’t have time for during the school year. We do this every summer.

We try to do the same thing as it relates to our parenting. We have adopted a philosophy for how we parent that directs our steps upon the path.
But let’s be real.
The chaos of the school year often results in us hiking off trail. The slower pace of summer provides a great opportunity to re-direct ourselves in the good habits we know but don’t always practice.

Parenting requires that we draw boundaries (“no”) and redirect behavior (“don’t do that”) continually. As a result, we can easily fall into the trap of negative speech if we don’t mind our tongues. But we’ve found that when we’re characterized by negative speech, the atmosphere in our home is negative. Conversely, when we speak encouragement and life, the atmosphere in our home is life-giving.

Imagine that!

So this summer, we’re minding our tongues, paying close attention to instruct our children with words of encouragement and life as often as possible, saving language of reproof for times when it’s absolutely necessary.

Here are 5 ways in which we can speak encouragement and life to our children:

1.       Say “yes” as often as possible so that “no” is saved for times it is necessary.

2.       Praise their effort rather than the outcome so we don’t instill in them a fear of failure and so we do encourage them to develop work ethic and grit.    

3.       Affirm character qualities we observe in them such as those identified in Galatians 5:22-23.

4.       When giving instruction, speak in terms of what we hope to see, not what we don’t want to see. (“Don’t spill your cereal” becomes “Let’s try to keep all our cereal in the bowl!”)

5.       When giving reproof, elevate the virtue, not the vice, and call out the behavior, not the person. (“You are rude” becomes “That was not very respectful. In our home, we treat others with respect.”)

These tactics are simple enough. But we live in a culture that’s plagued by negative speech. Just as “we are what eat,” so too is it that “we say what we hear.” As a result, it takes conscious effort and dedicated resolve to re-train our tongues.

That’s why summer is a great time for us to evaluate how we’re doing in this regard and identify areas in which we would be wise to improve.
Here's to using our words to create a life-giving atmosphere in our home! 

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Why Our Kids Should Be Put To Work On Summer Break

My sister recently had this conversation with her five-year-old:

“Mom, what's after college?”
“What's life?”
“When you work and maybe get married and have kids.”
“I have to get a job???!”

The poor thing could wrap his mind around “maybe” getting married and having kids. But getting a job? Forget about it!

It was a cute exchange. Much less cute, if the conversation had involved a young adult. But culturally, it seems we’ve sent subtle messages to our children that work is a heavy burden, something forced on us in adulthood with no redeeming qualities whatsoever.

It’s unfortunate. Because God values work. In fact, in the second chapter of scripture, God put Adam to work:

“The Lord God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it.”

Genesis 2:15

God could have assigned Adam any role existing under the sun. But he assigned him to be a worker in the garden, the place he also called home. 

It’s important that summer include a respite from the grind of the school year. But it’s also important for summer to include some work for our kids. After all, having them home each day creates more chores around the house, so they should pitch in and help.

This is one of the reasons why our summer should include some normal days. (Remember, we’re not cruise directors)! It’s in the space of normal days where we can work on things with our children that we struggle to conquer during the school year.

We often underestimate the tasks our children can manage. Consequently, we spend a lot of time doing things for our children which they could do themselves. Summer is an exceptional time to teach our children to manage new responsibilities, helping them contribute to the family, develop a servant’s heart, and value the significance of work.

Some examples of what our children will be doing to contribute to our family this summer include:

1.      Laundry: People look at me cross-eyed when I tell them our children have been doing their own laundry since kindergarten. It wasn’t my brilliant idea! For reasons unknown to me, our daughter decided this looked fun and wanted to learn when she was six. But through that experience, I learned kindergartners are quite capable. Sure, we help the younger ones with folding and hanging, but before we know it, they’re doing it all themselves. (Here’s how I taught them.)

2.      Cleaning their bedrooms: Last year, a wise friend encouraged me to lower my standards regarding the condition of our children’s bedrooms. I wanted their rooms cleaned daily, and when they weren’t, it created a source of tension that was too much. We were fighting every day! Now we have an agreement. They clean their rooms once each week to my standards, and I don’t say anything about their rooms the rest of the week. This works much better for our family, and their rooms are cleaner than ever before!

3.      Cleaning the bathrooms: Our daughter has been helping with bathrooms for a while, but now, we’re teaching the boys! I bought each of them a toilet scrubber, a squeegee, and a hand broom/dust pan at Ikea, and we’ve stocked each of the bathrooms with cleaning supplies. Our goal is that they’re self-sufficient when school starts.

4.      Preparing meals: I’ll be honest. When the kids were younger, the idea of having “helpers” in the kitchen made my skin crawl. They were too messy, and I was too meticulous. “Let’s bake cookies!” said no one ever when we had three kids under six. But now, things are different. They are helpful (and I’ve loosened up). There are loads of lessons they can learn by helping prepare meals such as measurements, fractions, and temperatures. I’ve also learned this secret…they’re more likely to eat that which they prepare. So this summer, I’ll pull them into the kitchen one at a time to help prepare meals and set the table. It’s a great way for them to learn a skill and to spend one-on-one time together!

5.      Cleaning the kitchen: If you eat at our table, you help clean up the mess. That’s the rule in our house. It’s especially helpful in the summer because, So. Many. Dishes. In the past, we’ve asked them to bus and wipe the table, sweep the floor, and help put the food away. But lately, we’ve been working on managing the dishwasher. They’re just as capable!

There are a thousand ways to attack this beast. All that matters is that we’re giving our kids opportunities to contribute to the family, develop a servant’s heart, and discover the value of work.
So what will your kids be working on this summer?

P.S. If you haven’t like our Facebook Page, be sure to do so. This week, we will be sharing some resources to help you identify what chores around the house may be age-appropriate for your children!


Friday, June 9, 2017

Bedtime Prayers

Now, I lay me down to sleep…

Bedtime. The time we set aside for chats, prayers and plans.

Bedtime prayers take our focus off self and onto God, our Creator. At the end of the day, we get to talk to Him in prayer and praise Him, thank Him, acknowledge where we've fallen short and make our needs known. It's a time of worship. 

My hubby most always tucked our girls in at night when they were young. It was their time. He would always ask them questions about their day including the classic, "Who did you sit by at lunch today?" After prayers, he would sing a hymn. In The Garden was his favorite. (Incidentally, both girls had it played before he walked them down the aisle on their wedding day.)

As our girls grew older, bedtime was a time for us to chat about life and dreams. Many tears were shed when life was hard. Uncontrollable laughs could also be heard throughout the house during bedtime rituals. I never quite knew what to expect...with girls. 
What I do know now is that these routines helped us. Knowing that each night we would spend time in prayer to our Heavenly Father helped us make it through the day and keep us close to Him. 

Prayers, hymns, laughs and tears. The good stuff.

Thursday, June 8, 2017

Five Tips To Help Moms Thrive While Kids Are At Camp

I don’t know about you, but dropping kids off at camp stirred up mixed emotions for me. Certainly, I was bursting with excitement. But I would be dishonest if I didn’t admit the twinge of anxiety I felt, kissing them goodbye and placing them in someone else’s care.
This was particularly true as I watched our first-time camper son turn to go. I was impressed with how he held it together. But I knew he was overwhelmed with anxiety. He’s cautious and a mama’s boy and he’d never been away without family. Would he survive the week?

Well, he didn’t just survive. He thrived! And that’s because the Sky Ranch staff is well-trained to care for first-time campers. Our son deepened his relationships, made new friends, tried new things, and conquered fears. When I picked him up, he told me the only bad thing about camp was “that it had to end.”
Since camp opened two weeks ago, I’ve had the privilege of meeting so many moms. But one stands out. She’s a mom to three first-time campers, dropping two of them off on their birthday.

She was struggling about facing the week without them when she showed up at the SkyMoms table. We’ve been exchanging emails since Sunday, and in her last email, she said, “It feels good to know I’m not alone.”
She’s not alone and neither are you. There are women across the country who are worried about the same things, feeling the same feelings, and asking the same questions you are while your kids are at camp. I know because I was one of them.

But we’ve got this! We can cope! Let’s not survive camp. Let’s thrive! Here are five things I did while our kids were at camp that helped me. I hope they’ll help you:
Listen to the Parent Podcast

Did you know we have a Parent Podcast (iTunes or Android)? It includes 8 episodes: one for before camp opening,  one for on the way, and one for each day your kids are gone. The podcast will tell you what your kids are learning and doing each day and how you can pray for them. They’re designed to listen day-by-day, but can be adapted to whatever will work with your schedule. The podcasts helped me connect with my kids and made me feel more like a fly on the wall than a mom a hundred miles away!
Look at the Pictures

Beginning late Monday afternoon of each session, Sky Ranch will send daily email updates. These emails will alert you that new photos from camp are available for viewing. (All photos are uploaded by 6 pm.) I can’t promise you’ll see a photo of your child every day, but you will catch glimpses of them throughout the week. Seeing their smiling faces online will do your heart some good! (Rumor has it that some moms bribe their kids to encourage them to get in pictures. I’ve never actually done this because I live with a bunch of hams, but it might be worth a try!)
Send Care Packages

Whether you’re “all in” with care packages or simply write love notes doesn’t matter. But do bring a few things with you to camp opening so the staff can deliver them to your kids throughout the week. Sure we miss our kids when they’re gone, but I think the hardest thing for us to endure is the wonder of how our kids are doing without us. Care packages create a touch point to home and provide the opportunity to speak encouraging words to our kids to help them thrive while they’re away.
Spend Time in Prayer

Several years ago, when I was going through a trying time, I learned to never wait to take my anxiety to the Lord in prayer. As soon as the feelings would overcome me, I’d start to pray. And as soon as I’d start to pray, the Holy Spirit would overwhelm me with a sense of peace. So each time you begin to worry about your kids at camp, take your worries to the Lord in prayer. (And if you’re listening to our Parent Podcast (iTunes or Android), you can pray more specifically…hint, hint.)
Do Something for Yourself

Finally, do not sit at home and mope! Intentionally set aside time throughout the week to enjoy yourself. Go on a date with your spouse. Have lunch with a friend. Get a manicure. Do some shopping.  And if you’re like me, do all those things and seize the opportunity to throw away half of your children’s belongings while they aren’t there to argue! Whatever it is that gives you energy and fills you up, do it while your children are away. You need this time away from them as much as they need this time away from you!

Thursday, June 1, 2017

When Silence Makes Us Long For Noise

I remember it with picture-perfect detail. It was almost 13 years ago at 3:30 in the afternoon.
I can see myself standing bare feet in our kitchen, hair amuck, pajamas still on. One hand resting on the bar, the other on my hip as I stared at the clock. I knew it was coming. The time when our newborn baby would lose her mind. It was right around the corner.
It was predictable in the sense that it happened at the same time every day. But it was also unpredictable. I never knew how it would unfold. I just knew it would be hard, uncontrollable, and loud. I also knew it would last for hours.
I remember the pit in my stomach as I wondered, “Can I do this again today?” I also remember wishing the season would pass.
With kids ages 6, 9, and 12, that kind of evening chaos has, indeed, passed. But it’s been replaced with a new kind. The kind that involves 10 hours of activity compressed into 5 hours. It involves homework and extra-curricular events and picky eaters and sibling conflict and the social dilemmas of a pre-teen and so many to-dos on the list, we can’t possibly get to them all. Some days are better than others, but it’s still hard, I still can’t control it, and it’s almost always loud.
In my “older” age, I’m discovering the noise bothers me the most.
It hurts my ears and musters up outrageous feelings of frustration in my gut. Like when I was a kid learning to dress myself and my feet would get stuck inside my pants because I didn’t take off my shoes. Or when I’d pull my shirt over my head and my hands would get stuck in my sleeves because I didn’t unbutton them.
I. Just. Wanted. Out. Of. That. Situation.
Sometimes I lock myself in our bedroom. Honestly, I do. I just need a minute of silence every so often.
But this week, we have the house to ourselves. The two older kids are at Sky Ranch, and Little Bit is on a trip with his grandparents. Silence we have, 24/7.
We’re making the most of it. Dates with friends. Meals fit for royalty. Sleeping in longer than usual. Coffee on the porch. A few projects around the house. All the while, we’re both still doing our jobs and taking care of our responsibilities. It’s amazing what we can get done when we aren’t caring for our kids! 
I’d be lying if I told you it wasn’t glorious. I’m enjoying every minute of it, and I hope those of you with kids going to camp this summer will enjoy it as well. You need this time as much as they do.
But this morning, as I nestled into our sofa for some time with the Lord, He showed me a glimpse of the future.
Twelve summers from now, Little Bit will be off to college, and silence, 24/7, will be our new normal.
The thought was like a punch in the gut. I didn’t like it, a lot more than I dislike the noise.
I know the Lord will walk us through the empty-nesting years just as He has walked us through every other season. But I’m not ready for it. And the realization that it’s coming rather quickly was just what I needed to gear up for the noise that awaits me on Saturday.
So mamas in the trenches with me, lean in. I want to tell you something. And know that I tread lightly because I don’t always receive these sentiments well when spoken to me by moms who are living on the  empty-nester side of things. But they’re right.
The trenches are hard. And out of control. And very loud.
There are days when putting on real clothes and brushing our teeth are luxuries. And there are nights when we wonder if we’ll make it to bedtime.
But the trenches are also filled with immeasurable joy.
The kind that comes with laughter and a lot of questions and the word “Mommy” uttered exactly 1,000 times per day. The kind that comes with Disney Junior and bouncing balls in the house and doors that open and slam. The kind that comes with singing in the bathroom and noisy toys and sound effects resulting from imaginative play. And even the kind that comes in the midst of conflict. Because it is in these circumstances where we have the privilege of teaching our children about grace, and forgiveness, and what it means to walk with God.       
I know that you long for a respite. But our days in the trenches are numbered, and the quiet house we once wished for will be a dream come true. Let’s rest on that assurance. Not so that we might wish this season to pass, but so that we might embrace the season we’re in.        

Thursday, May 25, 2017

Dear Moms: You Are Not A Cruise Director

I’d been waiting for this day for a long time. The day after, Little Bit, our youngest son, completed kindergarten.

I wasn’t waiting in the “I’m over this school year” kind of sense, though that was also true. I was waiting because I longed for alone time with my baby.

Until this year, Little Bit spent two days each week at home with me. Sometimes, we did exciting things together, but most often, we spent our days living in the mundane. Taking walks in our neighborhood, playing outside, cooking, or running errands.

On many occasions when it was errand-running day, we’d find ourselves at our local mall. Our visits would involve trips to a few stores, and they would always end with lunch in the food court at Chick-Fil-A.

These days were nothing special and everything special, all at the same time.

For a year, it’s been my desire to pull Little Bit out of school so we could revisit the past. He’s my baby after all, and this year has involved gigantic waves of change for me.

But in this crazy season of life, that desire never became a reality. Inevitably, I filled my calendar with other obligations, or unexpected things would come up to prevent us from having these special days.

Thus, the wait.

A couple weeks ago, as we were preparing for school to end, I asked Little Bit what he wanted to do on his special day home. I expected him to request a trip to the arboretum, a movie, or a play date. But that’s not what he requested. Instead, he asked if we could do all the things we used to do when he was home with me before starting kindergarten.

He said he wanted to snuggle. He wanted me to work outside in my chair while he rode his bike. He wanted to go to the mall and have lunch in the food court at Chick-Fil-A so he could visit one of the workers he refers to as his “friend.” He wanted to ride the escalator up and the elevator down, throw a penny in the fountain, and buy something. Then he wanted to go to the coffee shop and drink chocolate milk in the loft before we picked up his siblings.

Simple enough. So that’s exactly what we did.

The day was nothing special and everything special, all at the same time.

It made me think of summer. And it made me think of you.

I know that moms come to the end of the school year with different emotions. For Stay-At-Home-Moms, summer can feel daunting because it steals their quiet and invades their most productive time.

For moms who work full-time in an office, summer can feel daunting because they wonder how they will fill their kids’ time.

For moms who work part-time or from home – it’s a combination of these extremes. Trust me, I know.

We all have unique circumstances that can make summers challenging.

But I think we put too much pressure on ourselves.

I think we believe a lie that the only way our kids can have a meaningful summer is if we fill their days with mountaintop experiences.

Based on my experience with Little Bit yesterday, this lie couldn’t be farther from the truth.

So moms, lean in. Listen up. I want to speak words of encouragement into your hearts today. Your summer job is not that of a cruise director. Sure, there will be times when you’re organizing the details of a vacation or outing and carting your children from here to there.

But it’s not your job to insure there are 24/7 activities happening on the Lido Deck.

Your job is to love your kids. To introduce them to Jesus. To teach them right from wrong. To cultivate an environment that’s safe and nurturing. To model grace and forgiveness.

Your job is a lot of things – and yes – it includes setting aside time to focus on creating memorable experiences. But let’s not confuse quantity with quality. Rich blessing exists in the normal day.

I’ll leave you with this. Last summer, I was strolling through some shops on vacation, when I came across a sign:

Normal Day, let me be aware of the treasure you are. Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow. Let me hold you while I may, for it will not always be so. One day I shall dig my fingers into the earth, or bury my face in the pillow, or stretch myself taut, or raise my hands to the sky, and want more than all the world your return. – Mary Jean Irion

May this summer include some mountaintop experiences. But may it also be filled with many opportunities for our children to treasure the normal day.

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Why We Must Give Our Kids The Freedom To Strike Out

Confession. For much of my life, I’ve struggled with fears of rejection and failure. Whether these fears are part of my DNA or whether they rose from an unfortunate incident involving an unkind neighbor when I tried to sell him cookies in grade school, I’m not real sure. But the fears are there, and I’ve struggled to liberate myself from them for a long time.
I vividly remember almost not trying out for cheerleader when I was a junior in high school because I was afraid I wouldn’t make the squad. And I remember removing myself from officer elections during my sorority years for the same reason. I’m sure there are countless other things I’ve not done along the way because I was afraid of fear and rejection.
It’s one of the things I like least about myself, so helping my children overcome any fears of failure or rejection they may have is a top priority for me. I want them to learn now what it’s taking me most of my life to understand:
Failure is one of our best teachers, and success is born upon its back.
Last week, I referenced our oldest son’s struggle with sports. This baseball season has been particularly tough because they’ve moved from coach to player pitch. Though he ended last year with a batting average of 500, this year, for seven games straight, he’s swung at the ball maybe twice. To his credit, many of his at-bats have resulted in walks and runs, but his dad and I knew he wasn’t swinging at balls he could hit.
We’ve struggled with how to respond.   
We don’t want to minimize the significance of walking in baseball. It takes a good eye to call balls and strikes. But we also don’t want him not to swing because he’s afraid he’ll strike out. In both our guts, we knew we were dealing with the latter.
I recently picked up Tim Elmore’s book – 12 Huge Mistakes Parents Can Avoid – at the recommendation of some friends who work in education. Mistake number one on his list?
We Won’t Let Them Fail.
Elmore says this:
“When people – especially young people – know they are free to try something and fail, their performance usually improves. It brings out the best in them. But if they are preoccupied with trying not to fail, they become paralyzed.” (12 Huge Mistakes Parents Can Avoid, page 34).
That described our son in the batter’s box perfectly. “Paralyzed.”
It made me wonder.
Were we effectively communicating to our son that it was OK to strike out?
Or were we unintentionally sending him messages to the contrary?
I wasn't sure, but I’m learning that when in doubt, it’s best to over-communicate. So Saturday morning before his game, I casually brought it up.
I asked him if liked baseball. He told me he did.
I asked him if he wanted to be good at baseball. He told me he did.
I asked him what he needed to do if he wanted to get a hit. He told me he needed to swing at the ball.
And then I went for it.
I asked him if he thought his dad or I would be angry with him if he struck out. He said he didn’t think that. But just in case, I said something like this:
“The only thing that will ever upset your dad and me is if you don’t give your best effort, on or off the baseball field. We don’t care if you strike out. We don’t care if you mess up. We only care that you try. When you do something amazing, we’re going to go nuts about it in celebration. But when you don’t, we aren’t upset with you. We’re just going to save the praise for the times when you’ve earned it.”
He smiled. We hugged. And that was it.
I couldn’t attend his baseball game that morning, as we had three kids who needed to be in different places at the same time. But I got a call from our son after the game. He got a hit, stole second, scored a run, and got the game ball! Just as promised, I “went nuts in celebration” over the phone.
Did he swing at the ball because I gave him the speech that morning? I’ll never know for sure, but I don’t regret taking extra measures to create a safe place for him to fail.
And what I do know is this. Our son learned a valuable lesson that day. If he wants to be a good baseball player, he’s got to swing the bat!  


Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Have You Invited Your Kids Into A Story That Matters?

What does it take to be a great parent?
This was the question that had my husband and me on the edge of our seats at Parent Night five years ago. I would have guessed a handful of things, but I never would have guessed this:
“Know and embrace your child’s ‘now,’” our headmaster said.
I didn’t understand what he meant, but he explained that a “now” is that thing we care deeply about. That thing which lights us on fire and gives us purpose. That thing in which we want to invest and be good. If we dig deep, all of us have one and so do our kids. He explained that if we wanted to be great parents, we would be about the business of learning, embracing, and supporting each of our children’s now.
It sounds simple. But as our kids are growing in their individualism, we’re learning it’s easier said than done. That’s probably why our headmaster chose to speak about it to a group of eager parents at the beginning of a new school year.
I think embracing our child’s “now” can be tough for at least two reasons.
If our child’s now is different than our own, the possibility exists that we aren’t good at it, we aren’t comfortable with it, or we don’t like it. Sometimes, our child’s “now” is way outside our comfort zone and forces us to stretch. So instead of helping them develop their own “now,” we make the mistake of forcing our “now” upon them.
I was a dancer, gymnast, and cheerleader growing up. These activities were my world. I loved them and dedicated most of my time outside school to being good at them. So when I had a daughter, I assumed she would also be into those things.
Turns out, she isn’t.
Instead, she wants to participate in theater, swimming, and band. And while theater isn’t all too unfamiliar, anything I’ve learned about competitive swimming or playing an instrument, I’ve learned through trial and error as we’ve helped her find her way. Similarly, because I can’t draw my way out of a paper bag, I don’t enjoy art. Supporting our oldest son as he explores his creativity through art is an area where I need to grow.
I think embracing our child’s “now” is also tough because, sometimes, it goes against cultural norms. I know all kids are “out of the box” in their own way, but for some, it’s more obvious than others. This is certainly the case for our risk-averse, hater-of-the-spotlight, artsy and musically gifted son. He’s been playing team sports since he was four, but none of us are quite sure team sports are for him.
As he’s getting older, we’re noticing how different he is than most of the boys in his grade. He doesn’t like to roughhouse or wrestle. At recess, he generally won’t mix it up on the field. And he’s less aggressive and less driven in athletics. He may be a late bloomer like his dad, but team sports may also not be his thing.
I wish I could say I was 100% comfortable with this possibility. But, I’ll confess I’m not. Not because I need him to play sports to fulfill some unmet need in my own life, but because I know navigating his peer relationships as he gets older might be simpler if he shared in this common interest in the area where we live. It’s just easier to fit in when we’re mainstream. And where we live? Sports are mainstream.
But we aren't called to fit in, nor are we called to be mainstream. Instead, we're called to live fully into the design God has for us.  For some, mainstream activities like sports is part of that design. For others, it's not.  
As parents, it’s our job to help our children discover God’s design for their lives. This includes helping them to identify their gifts and talents, to elevate their strengths, and to refine their weaknesses. It also involves nurturing their “now(s)” along the way.
I’ve been thinking a lot about this as we’re making plans for summer. So after church on Sunday, we had family lunch at a local deli and began a conversation. Gathered around the table eating paninis and sipping iced tea, each of our kids shared one thing inside of school and one thing outside of school that is deeply important to them. Using their answers, we’re going to set some goals and offer them a challenge. Because I believe that if we can pair their passions with some of our own expectation, we just might invite them into a story that matters.
I’d invite your family to do the same!  

Thursday, May 4, 2017

6 Tools Instead Of 13 Reasons Why

My Facebook news feed is flooded with conversation about a controversial Netflix series, 13 Reasons Why. Until our Middle School Guidance Counselor wrote a blog post about it, I hadn’t focused on the content of this show, nor did I know it was wooing the attention of kids in middle school and high school. When I read her words describing the plot, I was physically ill.

For those who don’t yet know about this show, it revolves around a high school girl, Hannah, who commits suicide as the result of a series of demoralizing circumstances brought on by kids at her school. A box of cassette tapes reveals 13 reasons why Hannah chose to end her life. The show is laced with themes about sex, drugs, bullying, and rape, and is rated “TV MA.”

I decided I couldn’t watch this show given the disturbing content, so I can’t make any recommendations regarding if it’s ever age-appropriate. I will only offer that we won’t be showing it to our children, the oldest of which is 12.

We live in a culture where media is all-too accessible. I know that if my oldest child wants to watch this series, she can. Even with all the parental controls we have in place, and even though she rarely has sleepovers, if she really wanted to watch it she could find a way. Nonetheless, my husband and I have decided we can’t allow the possibility that she might devise a plan to watch this show dictate that we expose her to it at home.

But we can’t stick our heads in the sand either.

We can’t ignore the issues confronting our children today. Instead, we must engage our kids in healthy conversation as they navigate the ups and downs of youth. More and more, I’m hearing from parents that they struggle to communicate with their kids.

I’m certainly not an expert in this areaand I don’t always get it rightbut I am a mom of three, and I know what’s working for our family. So in light of the narrative surrounding this Netflix series, my heart has been burdened to share our approach regarding communication in this space. Here are six tactics we’re using to engage our kids in important conversation:

1. Listen
It’s critical that we listen to our kids at all times, but we’re finding the car is a particularly good place to tune in. We’re less intimidating when our eyes are on the road, and our hands are on the wheel. So when the kids are in the car, we turn the radio off and turn our ears on. Opportunities abound!

2. Ask Lots of Questions
“How was your day?” will get a “good” response exactly 100% of the time. So instead, we try asking more specific questions to get the conversation going. Things like: Who did you sit by at lunch?, What was fun at recess today?, and Tell me your high and your low.  If we keep asking questions, important topics bubble to the surface.  

3. Maintain a Non-Anxious Presence and a Judgment-Free Zone 
This one is hard. I don’t know about you, but when one of my children shares something negative that happened at school, my mama bear instincts may rage and my insides may squirm. But we need to be trustworthy. Our kids need to know that when they confide in us, our response will be thoughtful and measured. We can be dying on the inside, but we absolutely cannot show it on the outside.

4. Let Their Questions Be Our Guide
Many parents have shared they feel unequipped to talk with their kids about important issues like the ones raised in this series because they’re unsure how much information to reveal. When our children were much younger, our family faced difficult circumstances that caused them to ask hard questions long before their peers. A child psychologist told us that if they’re asking the questions, they’re ready for the answers (presented on a level they’ll understand). When they change the subject, they’ve had enough. This gem has served us well. If they ask a question, and we’re not sure how to answer it, we’ve learned to say: “This is a great question. It’s so important that I want to make sure I get it right. I need to take some time to think about it. Let me get back to you.” Just be sure to get back to them! We’re building trust, here, remember?

5. Follow Up 
Have you ever been in a conversation with someone only to discover something you should have asked after the fact? Our kids are no different. Their brains can only process so much information at once, so it’s likely when we engage them in tough topics, they’ll have questions well after the conversation takes place. We’re wise to follow up by re-introducing the topic when the opportunity presents itself. It can go something like this: “What you’re saying reminds me of a conversation we had the other day about _______. By the way, have you thought much about that since we talked? I’m always here if you want to visit.”

6. Engage our Empathy 
And finally, when they’re hurting, a wise mom told me years ago to say, “I’m so sorry you’re hurting. I want you to know that when you hurt, God hurts with you, and so do I. In our family, you will never hurt alone.” When I say these words to our daughter, she melts into my arms. Every time.

There’s certainly not one right way to maintain good communication with our children. These tools are just a few of many we’ve used along the way. Regardless of differences in our approach, our goal should remain the same. We want our children to have these important conversations with us, not someone else, and certainly not with the TV. We will only achieve that goal if we create a safe, approachable environment where there’s space for deep conversation to take place. My prayer is that these tools might serve us all well as we navigate the tough issues kids face today. You are in my prayers!

What tools have you discovered to create good conversation with your kids?  

Monday, May 1, 2017

How Family Camp Helped My Son Conquer His Fears

When we arrived at Family Camp in 2014, it took exactly three minutes for our kids to kick off their shoes.  They’re not much for footwear and would go bare-feet to church if allowed.  In fact, our youngest, Little Bit, has lost several pairs of shoes at church.

How does that happen?
No idea.

I warned them about splinters given the wooden decks on the covered porches at Sky Ranch Ute Trail, but did they listen?
Of course not.

In the spirit of “picking my battles,” I decided to let the scene roll. Within two hours, our oldest son had a ginormous splinter in his foot. (Yes, “ginormous” is a word.) It was embedded deeply in his skin between his first two toes.

It happened while we were in orientation so the counselors tried to get it out. God bless their efforts, but he wouldn’t cooperate. What they didn’t know, having just met our son, is that he’s hard-wired to be fearful. Fearful of new things, failure, embarrassment, pain, heights, speed, loud noise. The list was endless.

It was part of his temperament that had us “in the weeds.” We knew we needed to help him work through his fear, but we were stumped to find the right approach.

We took our son back to our cabin to work on the splinter.  We didn’t have any better luck than the counselors and, before we knew it, things had spiraled downward.

In the moment when we realized we might have to hold him down to get the splinter out, my husband decided we needed a time out.

He went to the lodge to grab a splinter tool and a deep breath. He came back, armed with all the needed supplies and a new disposition on his face.

He told me that he struck up a conversation with one of the counselors while digging through the First Aid Kit.  As he shared the struggle we were having with our son, she shared that she suffered a similar struggle when she was a child.

She said she was extremely fearful and lost her self-control when fear overcame her. During these episodes, her mom would say to her:
“It’s OK to be afraid. But it’s not OK to lose your self-control.”

We took a deep breath and gave that speech to our son. He nodded his head in understanding, and we felt a renewed sense of hope. We got the splinter out with little drama. He was so proud of himself!

It was a pivotal moment.  We knew it then, but we didn’t realize its magnitude until we used the same speech to encourage him to do this:

And this.

And this.


Thank goodness we learned this new tactic on Day 1! Our son had an amazing week of self-discovery as a result of this tip.  

The irony is that we’d been working with him on a memory verse all summer, chosen for him after lots of prayer and conversation:

“God did not give us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power and love and self-control.”  2 Timothy 1:7

But in our teaching, we had focused on not being afraid rather than being self-controlled.  It occurred to us that telling a child not to be afraid is like telling someone not to be happy or sad, not to be angry or frustrated.
It’s unreasonable.

Rational or not, our feelings are our feelings, and we have to deal with them. 

That doesn’t mean erasing them with a magic wand or stuffing them under the bed. (Don’t we wish that were the case?)  It means processing them through real work, all the while, using the tool of self-control.

That was three years ago. This verse has been a theme in our family ever since.

We’ve been back to Family Camp the last two years, and we’re going again in July. What a gift it’s been to watch our son grow in self-control. In fact, last year, he conquered the high ropes course and the zip line like a boss!

From the ground, we watched him along with several other parents who know this part of our story because we’ve camped together the last three years. I was touched by the tears these parents shed alongside us as they watched our son achieve these milestones.

We only see these families one week a year, but there’s something about Family Camp that allows us to live a lot of life together in those seven days. The investments we make during that week bring us back year-after-year, and every year, we watch our children grow together.

For more information about Sky Ranch Ute Trail and Sky Ranch Horn Creek, click here. We’d love you to join us at family camp this summer!

Thursday, April 20, 2017

The Best Lesson We Can Teach Our Kids At The End Of The School Year

The time from Easter to the end of the school year is always a struggle for me. After Easter, I’m ready for school to be over and for summer to start. And with Easter coming so late this year, I think it’s marked a new all-time low.

I’m tired.

Are you?

Getting out of bed each morning is getting harder for our family. Keeping up with all the correspondence, homework, and projects from school is overwhelming. And managing all their schedules?

It feels impossible.

On top of the daily grind, three weeks ago, our family lost a dear friend. The transmission blew up in one of our cars. And I changed careers.

It’s been a lot. A mixture of good and hard, enough to spin our lives a bit out of orbit. 

I know you’ve been there.

The other day, we were driving from one activity to another, discussing makeup work the kids needed to complete. Tensions were high and voices were higher, and before I knew it, two out of our three kids were crying.

It occurred to me…

The end of the school year is always hard for me, even with over 42 years of life experience to help me manage it. How much harder might it be for kids at the ripe old ages of 6, 9, and 12?

For families with kids in school, opportunities for extending mercy and compassion to one another abound this time of year, that’s for sure!  

On the one hand, the thought of how tired they must be made me want to scoop them into my arms, tell them to forget the makeup work, crawl into our king-sized bed, and pull the covers over our eyes.

But on the other hand, I realized every year this season presents a huge opportunity for learning:

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,"  Hebrews 12:1.
Let us run with endurance the race that is set before us.

God desires for us to finish well.  

And God has this desire because He knows that suffering produces endurance, endurance produces character, and character produces hope.

“And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."  Romans 5:3-5.

God will use the end of the race to refine whatever it is within our spirits that makes finishing well a challenge. For me, it’s my lack of patience and discipline when I’m tired, my fear of failure, and my all or nothing perfectionist tendencies. For my kids, it’s altogether different things.

But for each of us, the end of the race is an opportunity for refinement and growth.

Yes, the end of the school year will present countless opportunities for us to extend mercy and compassion to our children. And we should be about that business. But we should also use the end of the school year to teach our children how to finish well, even when we don’t feel like it.

So with 31 days of school left (not that I’m counting), we have a choice:

We can throw in the towel.

Or we can rally the troops.

Throwing in the towel will be easier in the short-term, but a rally will teach a host of lasting lessons to our kids.

As I’ve considered what this looks like for our family in the coming days, I’ve decided it’s time to get back to some basics we’ve let slide over the last few months: getting up and going to bed a few minutes earlier, packing lunches and backpacks the night before, daily sitting down to discuss homework and other responsibilities, and keeping the calendar clear of unnecessary commitments.

It’s also critical that we maintain our good routine of family devotionals and prayer first thing in the morning. Because starting well helps us finish well, right?

What about you? Do you feel like giving up but know you’ll be missing a valuable opportunity to teach your kids if you do? If so, what will your strategy be in the coming weeks to help your family finish this school year well? 

We’d love to hear from you in the comments!